5 Things I Wish I Hadn’t Ignored about My Ex before We Said ‘I Do’ – ryan

I recently went through my second divorce. It was not at all what I desired, but after nearly a year of separation, I realized some things I did not see in the early phases of the dating and marital relationship. You know, when the metaphorical rose-colored glasses hide the startling reality that is so easy to ignore in the early stages of a relationship. Here are five things I wish I had not ignored before walking down that aisle and saying “I do” before just a handful of years later saying, “Why don’t you?” to the man I hoped was meant to be the one (or perhaps more accurately—the next one—who would daily choose to stick around).

Love is not enough. Not even close. What is, perhaps even more important than love, is respect, a mutual commitment, and a shared view of what the future looks like, as a couple. I thought we had these things. I was wrong. Had I not pushed to get married so soon after meeting the man I believed to be my future, I know these differences would have surfaced in time. Perhaps a sad breakup would have been my fate, as opposed to the intense trauma and subsequent shame of a second divorce.

Blending families is hard. Very hard. I assumed because my soon-to-be ex-husband seemed to enjoy spending time with my sons, that a stepparent role would naturally form between him and my boys. The level of connection they shared pre-marriage was very heartwarming. That same connection, after the wedding bells rang and this man moved into the home I previously shared with my sons; however, morphed into something very different.

As my oldest son entered his teenage years, I noticed a troubling shift between him and my new husband. While I was open to parenting advice from this man who raised a daughter (part-time in his own divorce scenario), I also had to consider that my son’s biological father is very much in the picture. Taking advice from two well-meaning men, albeit on differing ends of the discipline spectrum, can be exhausting.

It was exhausting. My husband seemed more than willing to point out what I was doing wrong but less willing to step up and help me parent. I felt as if I was walking a minefield between my boys’ dad, my husband, and my two sons. A minefield that often led to intense emotion, burn-out, and throwing my hands up in the air in a very defeatist mentality (trying to please multiple people will inevitably snuff out the spark of passion you once felt when following your own heart).

Please take this piece of advice. When considering remarriage (when you have younger children), have the difficult talks before you commit to matrimony. Seek counseling to help create healthy boundaries and define future scenarios to ensure you are on the same page. Share your expectations of a stepparent with your partner, ex-partner, and children. Entering a blended family without taking some hard-hitting precautions is risky. It is, however, not impossible with the proper precautions put in place. This, however, was not the case for my family. I wish I had been more prepared.

Discuss it all. Talk about finances, careers, vacations, child discipline, religion, and all other important items before committing to a lifetime. Sadly, I thought we had addressed all of these. Looking back, while we had had the surface-level discussions, I believe I overlooked several red flags and was complacent about probing deeper, naively believing things would work out because our love was strong enough to survive the chaos of bringing two completely separate lifestyles together under one roof. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. I should have listened to my gut and never again will I push those tough questions to the side. They are far too important and absolutely integral for a relationship to go the metaphorical distance.

Don’t force it. If a lifetime commitment or marital future has to be forced, I strongly urge you to step back. I wish I had. We met during the height of COVID. Our romance was whirlwind, adventurous, and romantic. All the things. The stuff Harlequin romances are made of. However, when the masks came off and life resumed to the new normal, I saw a side of this man that was insecure, unsure, unhealed from prior relationships (as was I), and wavering on a commitment I was led to believe we both desired.

Rather than slow down, back off, or pull out, I got scared. I pushed him to further commit out of fear of losing someone I loved, basically giving an ultimatum that we move forward or go our separate ways. Ultimatums may work for a temporary time, but they seldom work long term. I believed we were finally on the same page. Turns out, we were reading completely different books.

Divorce—even a second, third, or fourth—is not the end of the world. You will survive. How do I know? I am living proof! Do I wish I had made different decisions? Of course, I do. Do I regret the love that originally blossomed? No, I do not. I will never regret any form of love even if it was not the version of lasting love I had hoped it would be. The lessons learned from this experience will no doubt serve as guidance in future relationships. I consider it an honor to share my story with others whether to make them feel less alone, to pour out a helping measure of hope that healing can and will come, or to kindly warn others against the mistakes I made, namely entering into a union I knew, deep down, was not right.

Marriage is hard. Divorce is devastating. I honestly do not wish that level of heartbreak on anyone. Has my path of broken relationships banished my dreams of one day finding the one? No, it has not. I am either completely crazy or stupidly stubborn or ridiculously hopeful (likely, a bizarre combination of the three). I believe my person is out there. Every heartbreak, broken dream, and season of loneliness is one step closer to meeting him. This time I will listen to God. Something I should have done before.

I may be lying in a heap of ashes presently, but my Lord specializes in bringing beauty from those ashes. I have seen Him do it before, and I wholeheartedly believe He will do it again. Personally, I am excited to see the future unfold. Starting over has never been so easy as when you have learned to do it countless times before. Each new season is a new opportunity to get it right this time. I have to believe that I am closer than ever to hitting the target of future contentment, by truly living in the present and allowing this life to unfold naturally, one precious day at a time.