What do you get for the gamer in your life at Christmas? What if you ARE the gamer in your life, and want to get something for yourself, but the sheer amount of choice has left you paralysed and afraid? I’ve got good news: you’ve come to the right place for help.
Below you’ll find five incredible ideas for perfect gamer gifts, sure to amaze and delight those who receive him. The only catch? None of the gifts in this article exist. Okay, I may have exaggerated a bit when I said you’d come to the right place. Still, these are nice ideas that we can get on the shelves by next Christmas if we work together. BELIEVE. Yeah?
Mountain Dew Cologne
Are you sick of the sight and smell of Lynx Africa gift sets every Christmas? Do you wish you could find a scent that better represented your status as a Hardcore Gamer Bro? Are you SICK of politics getting in the way of your video games?
My friend, Mountain Dew Cologne is the cologne for you. Say goodbye to the smell of stale body odour, old Doritos, and flat Mountain Dew, and welcome the FRESH scent of slightly less flat Mountain Dew. With the tang of old lemons on your skin, you’ll find yourself an irresistible sexual object to anyone who inexplicably finds themselves turned on by the smell of a first year student’s bedroom.
Be sure to get the Mountain Dew Cologne gift set that comes bundled with Dorito bodywash and pizza-flavoured toothpaste. May cause irritation of the eyes, mouth, skin, mind, and soul.
Original Movie Sonic Life-Sized Body Pillow
As Christmas approaches, the long, cold, lonely nights draw in (well, they get shorter, really, after the Winter Solstice – boring, calendar-wielding ed). It’s important to remember that not all of us have someone at this time of year, and even those of us that do would rather sleep alone some nights because our partner snores sound like an Edwardian Naval Fleet attempting to navigate a storm at night.
We believe you deserve a good night’s sleep whatever your relationship status or lot in life. That’s why we’ve come up with the Original Movie Sonic Life-Sized Body Pillow. Name not final.
Original Movie Sonic Life-Sized Body Pillow, or OMSLSBP for short, is a loving recreation of the rejected Sonic The Hedgehog design for the upcoming live-action movie. From the veiny and muscular blue legs right down to the beady human teeth, this is one Sonic that will snuggle you to sleep whether you want it to or not.
Disclaimer: If Original Movie Sonic Life-Sized Body Pillow begins to whisper as soon as the sun goes down, evacuate the house immediately and lock yourself in the nearest church or other place of worship until sunrise.
Half-Life 3: The Board Game
The adaptation you’ve all been waiting for! Half-Life 3: The Board Game is a stunning and faithful version of the game nobody has ever played, nor will they ever play for as long as they live.
What are the rules? How do you win? What’s the point? We can answer none of those questions and less in Half-Life 3: The Board Game. Since Half-Life 3 doesn’t actually exist, we basically made up a game that plays a bit like snakes and ladders, but the board is shaped like Gabe Newell’s face.
Currently waiting on approval from Valve.
Hideo Kojima might have moved on to do Death Stranding, but that hasn’t stopped Konami from reviving the cancelled Silent Hills project without him.
The tense survival horror of the P.T. demo has been replaced by a state-of-the-art pachinko simulator. We want you to play this one for years to come, so we’ve adopted a Games As Service model where YOU get to pay to access the game every day. For just £5, you can subscribe to the Silent Hills bundle, which nets you access to such extras as a pause menu and title screen. Please note Silent Hills is unplayable without the title screen download.
This is a Silent Hill game at heart though, and don’t think we don’t know that. To stay true to the franchise, the pachinko action pauses every now and again so a ghost can tell you what a prick you are. Or something. I haven’t really thought this one out, if I’m being honest.
Inflatable “Bathtub Geralt”
Like it or not, bath-time will never be the same again with this inflatable tub buddy. The life-sized “Bathtub Geralt” is available in two varieties – Henry Cavill and Video Game.
At the end of a long week, take a well-deserved soak with your favourite Mountain Dew-scented bubble bath, a glass of wine, and the Bathtub Geralt of your choice. Simply blow him up, pop him at the other end of the bath, and talk to him about your day. He won’t judge, or give you advice you never asked for. He’ll simply listen, and occasionally comment on what the weather’s doing.
Please note that Bathtub Geralt is not… an entirely faithful anatomical recreation for Very Good Reason. We’ve been on Tumblr, we know what’s up… and that’s not the kind of bath buddy our Geralt is. Behave.
If you want actual inspiration for… you know, things that actually exist, then you can check out our guides to the essential purchases for PS4, Xbox One, and Nintendo Switch.